I have not blogged or done anything related to Conscience Living in a couple of weeks. The reason for that is my mom passed away on April 30th. Since then I have been taking this time to figure out life from here on. I still cannot believe she is gone. Every day I ask myself if that all just really happened? I can’t even make a reality of it. So bare with me throughout this blog. Writing all this down and getting it out of my system is very therapeutic for me. This blog may seem more so for me than you, but thank you for being with me through this endeavor.
For the last two years, my mom has been dealing with some health issues, from an enlarged heart, a ruptured intestine, which led to her needing an ostomy bag, to multiple infections. She just had her gallbladder removed in March, which was a very successful surgery. She recovered after that and went on to rehab. Within two days she was back at the hospital with another infection of some sort. This time, her heart actually did stop and the doctors and nurses had to give her CPR to get her back. Which thankfully they did. Slowly she came out of that but was having trouble breathing on her own. When my mom has trouble breathing she has panic attacks which makes it worse. The doctors decided to intubate her with a breathing tube, which she has had several times.
This happened on Monday, April 23rd. I was at work in Florida, (my mom and family are all in NJ.) My sister called me while I was just sitting down to eat lunch. She told me she was not sure of what was going on but it did not look good and I need to come home. She tried to give me as many details as she could but the doctors and nurses were still trying to figure out what was going on. So I spoke to my Assistant Principal, who had an understanding of what has been going on with my mom, I left work early and was in NJ that same night.
The next morning I arrived at the hospital with my oldest sister. The doctors informed us that her hemoglobin was down which meant she was bleeding from somewhere and they did not know the source. They took her for an x-ray of some sort of her stomach to see if they could find it. While they were waiting for the results they gave her a blood transfusion. When we finally learned the results of the test, they found nothing. Which was a good sign but did not explain why her hemoglobin levels were down, which by this time, they were back up. This is how it has been for the last two years, up and down, “This is wrong,” “Oh we fixed this, but now there is something else.”
Throughout the week she still had some good days. She was mostly sedated to keep her calm while she had her tubes in. One of her doctors came in and was able to wake her up easily. He asked her some questions and she was able to answer them and move her head up and down. I know she was doing a great job because the doctor told her my oldest sister and I were there. He told her to go ahead and look at her favorite daughter. Without batting an eye, she looked right at me. So that was a good day.
The main doctor that was in charge of her would give us updates each day. And each day he would tell us that he feels that when her breathing tubes come out, she has a high risk of failing, which means she would not be able to breathe on her own. He told us the same thing a year ago, and that time, she proved him wrong. This time, however, she was more tired and weak. She had been through so much and her body could not take any more. The doctor explained that if she were to struggle, he could give her medicine so she would be comfortable, or if she were to struggle he could give her a tracheotomy. This was the hardest decision of our lives. My mother had been through so much in the last two years. Her sickness had left her with an ostomy bag, and catheter here and there, which had been the result of multiple UTIs, and now a trach? My father had a conversation with my mom a week or so before all this. She pretty much told him she was done and ready to go. After much discussion, thoughts, and prayer, we made the decision if she were to struggle, we would make her comfortable. She did ok on her own, for a little while, but soon it was clear that she could not breathe well on her own. My whole family gathered around her wanting to get as much “mom time” as we could. My dad sat by her side, holding her hand the whole time. As awful as this all was, it was also beautiful how we were all there when she took her last breath. My oldest sister was watching my mom, and her eyes opened, and she looked up. My sister said to us, “Someone is here for her”. And my brother said, “Go, mom, go.” And with that, she was gone.
Even while I am typing this out, I cannot believe it is real and it happened. I am so happy I made to decision to go to NJ on that Monday night. I am so grateful I was able to spend that last week with her and be there in the end.
Since then, I have been figuring out how to live this journey with such a void. I know she is here with me, and I talk to her, but of course, it is not the same. I just want my mom.
I know getting back into a routine is very important. I have been making sure I still go to the gym to work out, I still take my walks with my dogs to get my steps in. I make sure I still eat as healthy as possible. While in NJ so many people brought us food so we would not have to think about cooking. My sister’s mother in law brought me over a gorgeous fruit basket since she knew I was vegan. So, even though I was stress eating, I was still able to maintain my healthy habits. I’m still trying to be conscious of all that I do.
This weekend is Memorial Day weekend. I am also out of school for the summer. So I will have to find things to fill my time. I’m sure I won’t have trouble going to the beach or hanging out poolside, but when I am alone and still, that is when the reality sets in, and reminds me those two weeks did happen. I am going to really focus on meditation and doing some yoga. I think now more than ever my mission is to help as many people that I can try to live healthier lives so they can control the things they can control because there is some much we can not control.
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