As I have been getting older, January has become a bittersweet month for me. I love January because it is the start of a new year, but I dislike January because my birthday is in January and I detest the recognition of my birthday.
“It” all started when I was in my late 20’s. The closer I got to 30, the worse “it” got. When we were in our late 20’s my friends and I had a friend who was in his 30’s. We all made fun of him because he was so old. To me, 30 sounded old. Years later when I turned 29, my anxiety started to show. I kid you not, I would wake up from nightmares thinking I was already 30. When I would wake up I would be breathing heavily in a panic. Then I would remember it was just a dream and I still had time before “it”happened. Even just thinking about all these feelings now get my heart rate going.
I really don’t know why I have such a problem with age. Maybe because when I was younger and I thought about the future I always saw myself in my 20’s married, and with kids in my later 20’s. There have been times that I felt a little behind some people. For example, after you graduate from college, the social norm is to get married. That is the next part of life. Well, I was not there yet. I had some friends here and there getting married, but it was not like everyone around me was getting hitched. It wasn’t until I was 29 that I became engaged, and married at 30. The next stage in life after you get married is to have kids. Nope, no kids. So, I guess as I got older, my future was not what I had envisioned in my mind.
I will never forget my 30th birthday, even though I wanted nothing to do with it. My fiance at the time, who is now my husband, picked me up from work, told me to go home and pack because we are going to a place where age does not matter and I can forget all about being “old”. We went to Disney of course!!! My birthday is usually around Martin Luther King Jr. day, which gave me that Monday off of work. We were able to spend the weekend at the “Happiest Place on Earth.” He did such an amazing job making my birthday enjoyable and memorable.
So here I am, in my late 30’s feeling some anxiety about the next big number. I truly enjoy my life and I do not have any regrets. I love the life I have created here in Florida. I love my husband and how he still manages to make my birthdays not so bad. I love spending time with our close family and friends here. I would not trade any part of my life for anything. (Except my age).
The last 2 or 3 years I have told my husband, “This year I am not going to freak out about age” and for some reason I still do. I wish I did not see age as such a bad number. I don’t want to live life fearing the next year. I want to stop worrying and quit thinking about how things are “suppose” to be. I want to not care where everyone else is in their life, and quit comparing them to mine. So from now on, that is what I am going to do, enjoy each day, each moment. I’m going to really appreciate all that I have, and all the people around me. (And being vegan now I don’t have to worry about feeling old or looking old!)
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